Relearning to be happy

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. I spent the first couple of sessions laying down my history. Thankfully I have good friends and family who I can talk things out with, so I asked the therapist how I can know I am making progress, what tools or habits I can include in my life that will help me and how to get the most out of my sessions.

Firstly, my goal in therapy is to get assistance dealing with grief. Secondly, I want to learn how to be happy again. I feel like I am out of my depth in most, if not all, aspects of my life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, as a mother, as a person. I asked Chad a little while back what makes him happy. What makes me happy? I’m not sure I know anymore. I want to figure out how to enjoy life again. At this point, if someone were to give me a “Get Out of Life Free” pass, I would welcome just being done.

Some things that made me happy this week were:

Seeing the sunshine: waking up to light skies was fantastic, even if it did mean I slept in too long.

Going outside: the boys and I went for a “run/walk” one morning. Having low expectations of how the time went beside just getting out and making it back before meltdowns made it enjoyable. They threw rocks on the frozen storage pond. We cut the route short when legs were getting tired. We stopped by a playground so they could get their pants wet going down icy slides.

Building Lego with Alden: I was helping Alden with his new Lego set one of the days and he said to me, “I love doing this with you Mom!” He has this genuine, enthusiastic way of saying “Thanks!” that always makes me smile.

Getting a backrub: Chad rubbed my shoulders one night, and then my friend Rachel tickled my back during Relief Society today. For some reason that just calms me and makes me feel super loved.

Accolades: Rachelle Hrncirik and I sang a simple arrangement of Keep the Commandments at church today. We may have spent 5 minutes total talking about it and running through part of it once. It turned out so pretty. People were generous with their compliments and it feels good to do something “right” or inspiring.

Posted by on January 11th, 2016

New Year, Same Goal: Zero Fatalities

We drove down to St. George for the week after Christmas. It was two full days of driving, and our dread of all that time on the road was probably the low point of the trip. We read The Hogfather out loud in the car. The time passed pretty quickly and Snoqualmie Pass stayed open for us. We went to see Star Wars which was then cause for discussion and speculation. We went to Snow Canyon, where we hiked the petrified sand dunes, (our ears ached from the cold winds), and when we went to the slot canyon, Jason, David, and Chad showed off their climbing skills. It is still one of my most favorite places on earth, even when freezing my eardrums.

Chad loved all the Christmas snacks and treats around. Elisa kept making batches of “Christmas Crack” from saltines. She never got it exactly how she remembered.

The kids played so well with cousins. They played out in the empty lots by the house near the wash. There were piles of leftover hard-scaping supplies, rocks, gravel, sand, etc… They would sneak out to their “S.H.,” a.k.a. secret hideout. They also had a great time with their lightsabers that all died within the few days we were there.

For New Years we had the kids write goals down and tie the list to balloons to release. Eden wants to save $20; Alden wants to improve his chess game; Jasher was strong-armed into”being ready for preschool,” which means being potty-trained. The kids shared a goal and released their balloons, from oldest to youngest. Jasher caught onto the pattern and skulked away when his turn was about to come up. He had no intention of releasing his beautiful orange balloon.

On the way home we stopped at the Dinosaur Museum, at Thanksgiving Point. Near the entrance was a glass cage, so I pointed out to the kids that there was some kind of cool lizard in it. Eden has a lot of hours of wildlife TV programs that she can draw on. She responded disapprovingly, “Hmmm. I think it’s a saltwater iguana. And look at the tail! It’s started molting.”

This week I’ve had a few thoughts running through my head. I have sat through two lessons based on the conference talk from October 2015, “What Lack I Yet?”. Why on earth would I pose that question to the heavens?! I have a huge long list of all the things I lack and need to improve! The talk infuriated me—made me feel overwhelmed. Apparently I’m supposed to be in control of my life to a point that I should be seeking for more things to improve. What?! Rather than asking for another item to improve upon I can ask where to start. Throw the rest of the list out and just focus my attention on one thing. In that light the counsel is much more manageable and helpful.

I have also been trying to convince myself that there would be no negative consequences if I stopped going to church. I just don’t look forward to it. On the other hand I know myself enough that I would not spend my three hours diving into personal study. Rather I would clean the sink, sweep the floors, etc. There isn’t a better place for me during those hours. It may not be the most inspiring reasoning to attend but my spirituality is still important to me and I know I am surrounded by others who have the same goal even if their journey is different than mine.

One of my personal questions has been related to the “Church of the Lamb.” It feels like that term should encompass all churches that are making sincere efforts. But then it’s hard to delineate between the actions of our church, which is led by inspired men who sometimes make mistakes, versus any other arbitrary church, led by people who make some mistakes and get some things right. There isn’t a clear qualitative difference. I noticed that in the First Vision, Joseph Smith says that he was told that all other churches were wrong and that all the leaders’ hearts were far from God. It doesn’t feel like all leaders of all churches are far from God though. Resolving that issue would answer the original question about what distinguishes the Mormon church.

Posted by on January 4th, 2016

Alden’s Christmas Talk

Alden delivered this in Primary today:

Samuel said Jesus was coming. He told the Nephites to repent. I learn to repent too. After 5 years, Jesus got born. When the sun went down, it would still be light, just like in the daytime.

Jesus can help other people. He can just touch them and they won’t be hurt anymore. I know that Jesus is real because he can answer my prayers. Jesus has all the powers from Heavenly Father. That tells me to do nice things like Heavenly Father and Jesus do nice things. That tells me to repent. When I repent, it tells me to be nice to other people.

Posted by on December 21st, 2015