As I mentioned in my entry about my master class. I often wonder at all I could have learned had I been enrolled in a vocal performance program. Part of me wants to kick this Bachelor of General Studies to the curb. I want to race up to the University of Utah and bang down the music program’s door until they let me come in and learn all the amazing things vocal that I never allowed myself to pursue before.

And then there is Shawna Gottfredson. God bless her! She went back to school when her youngest was a senior. She has had a rich and diversified teaching and performing career, and has a great life ahead of her to continue enjoying success. I am so grateful for a woman as accomplished and inspiring as she is to be my mentor.

I too have a rich life ahead of me. I’ll finish my undergrad degree next year (I hope) in family studies. It has proven to be interesting and practical. I’ll have time and energy to enjoy my young family as they grow. I’ll have opportunities to perform in recitals and local productions. Then we’ll see where life brings be and what will fulfill after that. But the life ahead will certainly be one of beautiful growth and success.

Saturday, I was able to attend a master class at the Crescendo Voice Studio run by Dr. Robert Breault. I was hesitant considering how busy school has been on top of everything else and I was insecure about having my singing critiqued by an internationally renowned performer and Director of Opera up at the University of Utah. Had I decided not to perform myself but just observe I would have still been completely grateful for the experience.

It was so helpful to be among other competent and committed singers and see them work with Dr. Breault. He is entertaining, endearing and entirely helpful. We laughed and umm… cried a lot. I guess emotions were running high because we were all making ourselves vulnerable. Somehow pieces of my soul are liberated and become visible when I sing. It must have been similar for a few of the others. Dr. Breault is in the same vein as Shawna (our vocal instructor) and is an exceptional teacher. It takes a truly gifted teacher to help someone improve and enliven what lies inside them. Both Shawna and Dr. Breault are able to correct and simultaneously give confidence.

I was one of the last to sing. After I finished Dr. Breault said he knew I was going to nail it. Immediately I was thinking– Did I nail it? I was racing through things in my mind thinking of all the pluses and minuses. Then he said, “You know what I love about your voice?” That was it for me. I totally choked up. To have someone of his caliber say those words directed at me pricked an insecurity I have had for ages. He then explained that it was because if he lined up a dozen women and had us all sing he would still know which voice was mine. Sob, sob, sob.

It is so easy to feel inadequate. My first instinct is to think that I have nothing of value to offer, because hey, I am surrounded by a large number of amazing singers. Then I look back on the last ten years and think, where could I have been if I had only had the guts to try out for a vocal performance program? Me = scared stiff to be told that this voice that has defined me for all my youth is really just a dime a dozen and mediocre at that. Then I think, how arrogant of me to have ever allowed myself to believe that I had any thing to offer in the first place. I have to change my perspective. I must sing because I love it. I also have to remember to feel the joy instead of being curtailed by supposed expectations or judgments.

Dr. Breault extended an invitation to come and observe his workshops up at the U and to keep in touch for when ever school was back on the table. Many of us who participated talked with Shawna afterwards and eagerly petitioned for more group classes. It was so helpful to see people working on the same things as you and be able to observe them with some distance.

One last thing Dr. Breault said to me was that I have to sing. Otherwise it will become a cancer inside of me. There were a few years that I was lackadaisical about those pieces of my soul that need singing to be expressed. Those times were a struggle. I guess even if others don’t yearn for the music I sing, my own soul needs the music.

Chad and I try to convince each other that we are writers. Both of us deny it vehemently. But alas he has been writing short stories and now I have a renewed desire to spew my brainwaves on to a computer screen (archaically known as paper).

So begins my own record of remembrance. It makes sense that writing is therapeutic for me. I am always talking Chad’s ear off because when I put things into words I learn. When I hash through my thoughts I find clarity and balance. Sometimes it means I put my foot in my mouth until I find what it is I really mean to say, but words are a vehicle for my development.

I think it is easy to find facts to back up something you want to believe… so forthcoming is Writing: Part 2. An insight about writing from my church history professor.