Last night I was feeling pretty sentimental. After spending the last couple evenings out late with friends who we haven’t seen in awhile I was really looking forward to a night alone with Chad. We had a really wonderful evening and while I said our prayer before bed I became really emotional. I feel so incredibly blessed to have Chad as my husband. I am so grateful we were able to get pregnant after years of me worrying whether it was possible. I can also feel the love I have for Chad growing and expanding to include the little girl we are so blessed to have. We have both been praying a lot that we will be prepared to teach her well and to take care of her. We want to be able to strengthen our relationship so that we can be better parents and do and become all that Heavenly Father desires.

After such a peaceful, tender way to end the day I was unprepared for the chaos my self-conscious was going to drag me through. I woke up after having a very disturbing dream. As I normally do, I woke Chad up and told him I needed his help to forget it but it kept replaying through my head and made me feel so crazy.

It began with me waiting to travel into Seattle for a field trip. A women came and told me that I wasn’t to wait for the rest of the group but that we would go along right then. I stopped at the bathroom before we left. Both my brother, Daniel, and I went into the separate bathrooms at the same time. When I got inside I realized there was no wall between the stalls. I saw there was a beam between the stalls so I grabbed a blanket and draped it over to provide some privacy, only to discover it still wasn’t high enough to shield his view. I decided to wait until later. As I left the bathroom I saw my mom. She told me that she had gotten Chad and I a car. She told me it was a Ford Focus. I thought that it was nice that she had taken care of things but that I wished we had had the chance to pick out what we wanted. At this point I am immediately in the car. I step into the driver’s seat and begin driving from the back seat. There is someone in the front passenger seat. As I am driving the GPS is giving me directions that quickly turn into hysterical and theatrical requests. First it’s a weather warning for high winds even though the wind is nonexistent. Then there are trees all over the road and I am slowly driving to avoid them. The GPS directions turn into my mom’s voice. Then the urgent and whining requests, I realize, are actually coming from the passenger seat and the passenger is me. The other me is crying and whining and out-of-control and acting like a very little child. The windows begin to fog up and from the back seat I am trying to figure out the defrost. I switch something which makes the car veer off to the side of the road. I get out of the car and open up the real driving seat door and lean in to the other me-passenger and try to calm me down. All the while the other me is screaming and crying something about “mommy” who I knew was my mom. Traffic is heavily passing beside us. I lightly smacked the other me on the face to try to snap her out of it so I could get through to her to help her. I thought it is going to look like I am beating somebody up or something. I turn around to see a man walking toward the car on the side of the road. I immediately called out for his help. I thought I was crazy since I was struggling with what appeared to be me in the passenger seat. He looked in shock and I could tell he saw the other me. I was glad I wasn’t seeing things. Then he said, “She’s eating your arm!” I turned back to the other me to see her savagely biting at the arm I had held out to comfort her. Up until this point I was annoyed at the other me behaving like a toddler when she was an adult. But at this point I was completely disturbed and woke up.

I thought the dream was so interesting. And it was funny that Elisa didn’t have any idea what the dream was about. So I asked her, “When do you have two people inside of you and you worry about turning into your mother?” It’s all just a big pregnancy nightmare. And Elisa is getting supplanted or consumed by the mini-me inside of her.

1. Elisa felt out of control by trying to maneuver the car from the back seat. She felt blocked by the trees in the road.
2. She is worried about not being able to understand or soothe a baby.
3. She is worried about the baby taking her place or supplanting her relationship with me.
4. She was worried about turning into her mother.
   

As soon as Chad asked me about when I have two people inside me the dream all started to be very clear. Although I think I am more afraid of becoming “a” mother than “my” mother. I stopped feeling crazy and understood what was really troubling me. What I am feeling is normal even if it is unnecessary. I am generally really excited and feel so blessed to be having a baby that I am sure the fears I have of this huge life-changing step get suppressed a bit. If those fears are going to surface in a disturbing dream at least it is nice to have my very own dream-interpreter on hand.

Chad had a work conference in Innsbruck, Austria this week. So we decided I would tag along and then we’d use it as a jumping off point for some traveling. It worked out great to be able to have the Zürich to Innsbruck leg of the trip all taken care of by a private Google train. We arrived Monday night and started our time off by having a REALLY good Tirolean meal. The next couple days while Chad was working long days at the conference I looked around the beautiful city and got a lot of school work done. I have really liked all the Austrian cities we have gone to. There is something so elegant and aristocratic about them. It has been a really nice jump start back into working good long days on school stuff. I really lost my drive after being sick and us being so busy for the last while. I think all the cool stuff that I saw at the conference is still confidential. I liked learning about the Google phones. But now that I think about it, only a real nerd would be interested in the conference anyway.

Today we officially started our vacation. We rented a car and drove through Garmish and Füssen to Hohenschwangau, home of the Neuschwanstein castle. The town was fairly uninteresting, and honestly the exterior of Neuschwanstein was far less appealing to me than it’s golden neighbor, Hohenschwangau, but both interiors were amazing. We weren’t allowed to take pictures, but the entire interior of Neuschwanstein was very unique and colorful and modeled to be like a set to a play. These poor royal heirs grew up surrounded by murals of monsters and wars and evil plots. At least the murders looked pretty. On the way down we had some Quark Böllchens, (a donut-like thing, but way better) and relaxed on a horse-drawn carriage ride.

Our fun-filled week began with me taking a Health final. I probably should have studied more but it just wasn’t a huge priority. We spent last weekend working in the garden and enjoying being at HOME in between General Conference sessions. I really enjoyed conference, especially from home on our laptop! We love an excuse to do church without getting dressed. But I sure miss the tradition of getting together at Linda Osborne’s for sausage, cinnamon rolls and other great food. It was so nice to feel a confirmation that President Monson is our new prophet.

I have spent most of the week glued to the computer. I have been putting together the details for Chad’s work trip and then our extended stay to Innsbruck, Austria and Germany. The last thing I wanted to do when we got back from our last trip was to leave home again, but I am very excited for the great things we will be seeing this upcoming week. Since we will only be in town for our church callings the next two Sundays and then we will be gone for FIVE I have been working on lesson plans. In one day (a very very long day) I got 7 good lesson plans completed. Wow. Not to mention I had to do translations in English and German for substitutes as well as write out a complete script. I need to start keeping a record of the lessons I do so I can refer to them later for ideas. It is great to know that is done.

Chad and I went to some American friends’ on Friday for a Potluck/Grill/The Office watching party. It was a lot of fun, and food is so much better when other people cook it. One of our friends, Janel, brought Sarah’s peanut-butter cookies. She asked if that was okay with us. We had no complaints we got to eat them and not do the work–plus US peanut-butter is a precious item around here. 🙂

We went out to the temple yesterday and as a special treat to ourselves we even went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Yum! Mexican’s still my favorite, even when it’s made from European ingredients. Elisa is nice to humor me. At the temple I was getting some new clothes from the distribution center. The lady helping us asked if I wanted the Maternity garments. I was so pleasantly embarrassed. Elisa turned red and smiley really fast.

Church went great today, my lesson went without a hitch and I will not have to lead the choir next weekend in sacrament meeting because half the people will be gone. Phew! But Elisa has been preparing for it for months, and that’s just one more reason why it is hard to be a choir director. The highlight today though, was feeling our little girl moving all over the place for the first time. It was SO cool. It just gets more and more real every day. And more and more exciting too. I am really looking forward to being a mom.

By the way, it was our anniversary. We didn’t celebrate with much, but we tried to be nice to each other. 🙂