Long-winded and winded

This week I put down a deposit for a super activity I will be doing in late May. The plan is to do a three day biking trip in the San Juans. It includes 3 islands, 80 miles of biking, 7.5 mile hike up Mt Constitution, an evening sail, zip-lining and more. I have done a couple of long bike rides but they were flat and not mixed in with other activities or done on consecutive days. I am very excited but also a little anxious about my need to train for this adventure.

So this week I stayed busy. Monday: Zumba, Tuesday: 3 miles snowshoeing and Zumba, Wednesday: 3 mile walk, Thursday: Yoga and Zumba, Friday: 3 mile run/walk, Saturday: 3 mile hike, Sunday: 3 mile run/walk and 6.25 bike ride. So much of the time was outside among beautiful scenery. It is balm for the soul. Then you add endorphines from getting my heart rate up, and it is perfect. Thankfully we have had great weather this week.

We had some great time as a family too. The kids, Olea and I went through Hazel Wolf Wetlands. We stopped for about 10 minutes talking to an owl that was hooting in the trees. It was magical. There are little log bridges and a boardwalk over the marsh (it is a little creepy when you are reminded of the Lord of the Rings movies). We spotted dormant huckleberry and salmon berry bushes. I taught the kids about Witch’s Hair (a stringy light green moss that hangs from the trees and is a sign of clean air). Another day the kids biked and scootered while I ran. It was dark by the time we got home and I was carrying Jasher and his scooter. I continue to be impressed by their energy and endurance. As soon as they got home, Alden wanted to play a game of freeze tag.

Saturday we went up Tiger Mountain and hiked the Adventure trail. It was really beautiful. My mom came and we had fun pointing out plant species and admiring all the nurse trees and stumps. After our hike we stopped and grabbed some flowers and brought them to Dad’s grave. Some grass is starting to grow. Just a little in clumps here and there. It still seems like a visual of my own process of healing.

Alden started soccer this week and never wanted to take his new jersey shirt off. Eden had testing this week in school and was delighted to be able to chew gum at school for the special occasion. We went for a play date with Ashley Clark after school one day. The kids now want a magic 8 ball after discovering one there.

The past couple of counseling sessions I have felt like I am just trying to fill the time. I was really hoping to feel like I had things to work on or to work through and think about after each session but it is becoming clearer that perhaps this is not the best fit for me. I instinctively question what I am doing wrong and what I need to change to make it more effective so it is difficult for me to accept that maybe I’m not the problem.

I have gotten pretty discouraged with the climbing number on the scale and my inability to make my quilting project look perfect the way I want it, and the fact that I am not natural at dance moves and that some things that I want to be or do just seem out of my reach. Poor Chad got blindsided by my breakdown on our way to a dance lesson Friday night. So I stayed in the car crying while Chad ran into the dance studio and told them we would not be joining as planned. Instead we decided to look at cars on auto row and do a test drive. It turns out that the newer Ford Fusions are pretty slick. Since they are a hybrid they get amazing gas mileage. It also turns out that we would rather find a little old Lexus and only pay a couple of grand rather than a small fortune. Turns out we are in the market for a second car.

Last night I had a night of pottery painting planned with Cheryl Meckley and another friend. It turned out to just be the two of us. Cheryl is a super validating person. I can tell when she disagrees with my thinking but she allows me to be depressed, overwhelmed, sad, pathetic, angry or whatever. She is a good friend. She appreciates me. It is so fulfilling to feel appreciated. We talked and talked while painting, then while eating yummy Thai food, then over hot chocolate and then in the parking lot. We closed everything down.

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