Dumb Dog

We had the missionaries over for dinner this week. One of the missionaries, Elder Hunt or Hunter (I can’t remember which is which), is from Gridley, CA. His family was living there and attended the same ward as I served in, Gridley 3rd. Granted this missionary was 8 years old. I have no recollection of him nor him of me but it was fun to pull out my missionary stuff and reminisce.

It is pretty awkward to have missionaries over. I am not super grounded in my testimony so I don’t have the desire to shout it from the mountain tops. Missionaries have a number of challenges they propose to help strengthen faith. Daily family scriptures. Check! (We are on 220 days in a row!) Family home evening. Check! (with our family planning meeting the night before, it gets done and we look forward to it.) Then there is personal prayer and scriptures. Not checked.

I am much more at ease with where I am at spiritually right now. I am okay with not knowing and not feeling. It is easier. A few months ago when I was super insecure about what I must be doing wrong to cause me to feel so forsaken or guilty or abandoned and unworthy or just not one of God’s chosen, I tried very hard to do ALL the things that would help me feel closer to God. I prayed and felt alone. I read scriptures and felt confused and angry and overwhelmed. I went to the temple and felt uncomfortable and like an outsider. All these things that used to bring such peace, strength and understanding were now the source of great despair, shame and solitude.

My relationship with God is not a priority right now. In Anne of Green Gables Anne says, “God made my hair red on purpose, and I’ve never cared about Him since.” I relate a lot with Anne. I have had unrealistic expectations. I thought if I knocked, my way to God would be opened. I believed that God loved me, I believed that He would help me to find hope and peace when everything felt hopeless. I counted on it. I professed it. Then I was left. Alone. Empty. Or at least unable to find my way. So I don’t trust God. I feel like a dog that has been beat by it’s owner and still remains loyal. I keep creeping back with my tail between my legs hoping that maybe this time He’ll acknowledge me. It is just easier on my heart to resolve, like Anne, not to care.

Posted by on February 9th, 2016



September 23, 2017 @ 4:10 am

learn more


September 23, 2017 @ 4:22 am

effexor online


September 23, 2017 @ 5:50 am

viagra oral generic viagra female viagra cream [url=http://viagraghhde.com/]cheap viagra[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 5:55 am

doxycycline pills


September 23, 2017 @ 6:09 am

order cialis canada
buy cialis online
buy cialis online yahoo answers


September 23, 2017 @ 6:17 am

fiat viagra
generic viagra online
watermelon rine viagra
buy viagra

inhirm said

September 23, 2017 @ 6:18 am

how quickly does viagra work
viagra cheap
lil b viagra
buy generic viagra


September 23, 2017 @ 6:40 am

buy colchicine


September 23, 2017 @ 7:11 am

generic cialis professional


September 23, 2017 @ 7:15 am

buy real cialis online canada cheap cialis low dose cialis daily [url=http://cialisovnas.com/]cheap cialis[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 7:58 am

brand name viagra no prescription viagra generic viagra [url=http://viagrapfhze.com/]viagra online[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 8:04 am

viagra visa


September 23, 2017 @ 9:16 am

buy brand cialis cialis generic cialis 2.5mg [url=http://cialisoanzb.com/]cheap cialis[/url] ’

knorry said

September 23, 2017 @ 10:08 am

viagra samples free pfizer
cheap viagra online
viagra vs levitra
viagra generic

inhirm said

September 23, 2017 @ 10:09 am

what does viagra do to a woman
cheap viagra
viagra uses
generic viagra online


September 23, 2017 @ 10:23 am

cialis dosing cheap cialis cialis prescription canada [url=http://cialisovnnc.com/]generic cialis[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 10:30 am

soft tabs cialis cialis buy cheap generic cialis [url=http://cialisivndh.com/]cheap cialis[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 11:09 am

cialis cost cialis cialis pricing [url=http://cialisovnas.com/]cialis[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 11:23 am



September 23, 2017 @ 11:32 am

payday loans online no credit check


September 23, 2017 @ 12:16 pm



September 23, 2017 @ 12:37 pm

http://realrich7casinogames.org/ – play casino
Pokies Australian online
online casino uk


September 23, 2017 @ 12:42 pm

http://payday100loans24online.com – ach loan
personal loan poor credit
payday loans direct lender no teletrack


September 23, 2017 @ 12:43 pm

order cialis


September 23, 2017 @ 12:43 pm

viagra cheap cheap viagra viagra information [url=http://viagraocns.com/]viagra[/url] ’

Ontole said

September 23, 2017 @ 1:26 pm

viagra 10mg
generic viagra
viagra before and after tumblr
buy viagra online

inhirm said

September 23, 2017 @ 1:28 pm

viagra from india
generic viagra online
how fast does viagra work
generic viagra online


September 23, 2017 @ 1:42 pm

discount viagra viagra viagra online prescription [url=http://viagraveikd.com/]buy viagra[/url] ’


September 23, 2017 @ 2:21 pm

generic viagra online


September 23, 2017 @ 2:35 pm

hydrochlorothiazide no prescription


September 23, 2017 @ 2:46 pm

buy cipro


September 23, 2017 @ 3:10 pm



September 23, 2017 @ 3:15 pm

generic cymbalta

Comment RSS · TrackBack URI

Leave a Comment